Gather your best girl-friends, your cats, and every Ryan Gosling movie you own, because its Valentine\u2019s Day and you\u2019re single! Don\u2019t be weary, girls, this is the one day of the year when being openly bitter and unpleasant is socially acceptable. Who wants to gain 10,000 pounds from eating all that Valentine\u2019s chocolate from your loving boyfriend? Not I!<\/p>\n
You know what the perfect topping for raw cookie dough is? Your tears. Eat up ladies, and eat with no regrets. On this blessed day, don\u2019t worry about having to order \u201cjust a salad\u201d at a restaurant neither your boyfriend nor you can afford. Today is the day for eating right out of the ice cream carton and talking about how \u201call the boys in high school are immature anyway\u201d and you\u2019re totally <\/i>going to hit your stride in college.<\/p>\n
Flowers? More like weeds that die quickly and leave an unfortunate odor. Teddy Bears? Whose idea was it to make a stuffed toy of an animal that mauls people to death? That\u2019s just insensitive.<\/p>\n
Think about all those sweaty arms wrapped around girls at the movie theater. Is that really what you want? A neck full of sweat and the sensation of being strangled? When you think about it you\u2019re actually contributing to the general welfare by not being one of those eye-sore couples that engages in too much PDA.<\/p>\n
Then there\u2019s all those poor couples having to step over hermits and hobos on those long walks across the beach. I mean really the whole ordeal is enough to make a woman give up men entirely. But then who would we blame for all of our problems?<\/p>\n
If none of those options work for you, you can join the fight against commercializing love, because that never gets annoying. Go petition greeting card companies on Valentine\u2019s Day \u2013 don\u2019t worry; I\u2019m sure no one will think you\u2019re bitter.<\/p>\n
It really is a day of communion for all those who have figured out the game: a day for people who are alone to feel less alone, because they are enlightened.\u00a0 So skip the somber singles mixers, and take a wild night in. I mean if love was really all you needed, then Christian Mingle would have gone out of business a long time ago.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Gather your best girl-friends, your cats, and every Ryan Gosling movie you own, because its Valentine\u2019s Day and you\u2019re single! Don\u2019t be weary, girls, this is the one day of the year when being openly bitter and unpleasant is socially acceptable. Who wants to gain 10,000 pounds from eating all that Valentine\u2019s chocolate from your…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[3,12],"tags":[2211,2709,4323],"class_list":["post-563","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","category-opinion","tag-karina-padron","tag-movie-theater","tag-valentines-day"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t